"Keep Your Snowflakes, Christmas" aka "Damn, It's Cold Out Here"

I'm in Connecticut briefly for the holidays rather than my home in Sarasota.  It would be mature of me to enjoy what people around the country consider the quintessential Christmas ambiance- warming up before a fire, pine forests, the possibility of a dusting of snow.  Apparently I'm not that mature.

As I drive around towns with names such as Bethlehem that host Santa's arrival in a horse drawn carriage, on an evening when the town Christmas tree is lit to the sound of applause and the residents stroll and sip their hot mulled cider, I find it hard to suppress the urge to cry out: "Damn, it's cold out here."

When I was back in Sarasota, I made a Santa sighting right after doing yoga on the beach. Now we're talking.  But in Ct., standing outside in the frost of a New England winter, trying to avoid my neighbor in her antler headpiece, my body shivers and my eyes water, as I watch the endless holiday firetruck parade through my veil of tears.  Is this fun?  What am I missing?  There, I've said it.  It's almost sacrilegious to not want Christmas with mittens, hot cocoa and what some people mistakenly consider zaney holiday cheer.

I know how grinchy and ungrateful all this sounds; it's not like I'm being forced to spend the holidays hillbilly hand fishing. (Catching giant catfish with you bare hands has to be worse than a Connecticut winter.)

I realize how special it is to spend Christmas with people you love, wherever you happen to be. It's just that I'd rather be able to feel my fingers and toes while I'm sipping egg nog and opening my presents.  Is this unreasonable?  Can't we all put this White Christmas fantasy to rest already?

If we celebrate in Florida next year, I promise to throw in a Santa ice sculpture.  If Christmas can't be imagined without bundling up, I'll keep the air conditioning on high.  Then I'll sprinkle some faux snow on the bougainvillea and float plastic snowflakes in the pool- but this is as far as I'll go in the zaney holiday cheer department.  Don't expect a Rudolph hairpiece to be any part of this picture.

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